Missing
by Miko Akako
Summary: What would happen if Arthur and Merlin never met? / Angst / Slight MxA if you squint REALLY hard / Rating for death/suicide


**Miko: **So I think I'm going to redo this story. I may leave this up and put up another story with the same idea as this but...longer. I just needed to get this out.

Basic idea of this story: Merlin and Arthur never met. How does this affect them?

**Key:**

This is Merlin.

**This is Arthur.**

**Disclaimer: **I own nothing.

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**Missing**

Sometimes I get the feeling that I'm missing something. Sometimes I wake up in the middle of the night in a cold sweat, a foreign name on my lips. Sometimes I wonder – who is Arthur, and why is he so important that I dream of him.

**Sometimes I get the feeling that something is missing from my life. Sometimes when I'm in the middle of a battle, I can hear someone whisper my name. Sometimes I wonder – who is Merlin, and why does he care about a royal ass like me.**

I turned 20 the other day. Everyone in the village expects me to marry soon, but none of the girls here attract my interest. I think I scare them anyway. It's getting harder and harder for me to control my magic, if that's what it is. I've never heard of a great warlock who doesn't know how to control the magic. But I haven't heard of many warlocks since they were all murdered by King Uther.

**I turned 22 the other day. My father presses Morgana on me at every opportunity, but I can't bring myself to care about her as more than a sister. Though I will never admit it, my temper seems to be controlling me more and more these days. I find myself sparring with one of my knights and I lose control if he lands a blow. I go crazy. None of them will admit it, but I think they're scared of me. I wish I had someone who would stand up to me and tell me when I overreact. Too bad I'm the son of Uther Pendragon.**

The people of the village are scared of me ever since I destroyed the barn. I didn't mean to do it, but I was just so frustrated with everyone. I nearly killed Waldric this time, and it was only William's quick thinking that got him out of the way in time. Sometimes I feel like I should go far, far away where I can't hurt anyone. Other times I want to rush to Camelot and demand Uther allow me to train so I don't have to be so afraid of myself. I think I'm turning into a monster.

**The people I should be protecting are scared of me. I am now afraid to touch my weapons for fear of the bloodlust that washes over me. I was fighting a group of bandits on the highway last week and it took me twenty minutes to realize I'd killed them and was turning my attention to my own men. I cannot tell my father, or he will suspect sorcery where it is only my lack of control at blame. I wish there was someone I could confide in. I fear the secret may kill me.**

I am now 25. My mother is dead of some horrible disease. I felt helpless, just watching her die. I wish I knew someone who could teach me to heal. My magic comes unbidden all the time now. I have taken to living in a cave a few miles from the village so when I lose control I don't hurt anyone. The boy from my dreams haunts me all the time, now. Where he used to be proud and strong, he is now weak and broken. Perhaps I should go seek him out, but I would only end up hurting him, I'm sure. I'm not fit for humanity.

**There was a huge celebration for my 27****th**** birthday. My father announced my engagement to Morgana at it, much to our mutual horror. She has seen the bloodlust that afflicts me and cringes away from me whenever we meet. In turn, I have taken to insulting her, and it takes all my power not to slap her. Except when my father summons me, I stay in my room all the time. Sometimes I imagine I can hear the boy from my dreams talk to me. But where he once was comforting, he is now a storm so strong I'm afraid I'll lose myself to him.**

I can't stand it anymore. I have to find the boy in my dreams. I have fought against it for so long, but I cannot ignore his cries anymore. I have nothing to take with me, so I must go alone, and on foot. I do not know where I am going, but only that it is in the direction of Camelot. How ironic that Arthur be in the city that holds the man who hates me. Thank god the city is big enough that I will never find the attention of the king.

**I can't stand it anymore. I hate looking at myself in the mirror. I cringe whenever I get too close to someone. My father doesn't even notice anything is wrong, and that makes it worse. I'm beginning to think there is something wrong in my head. I am no longer fit to be alive. I think Camelot would be better off if I was dead. But the boy in my dreams tells me to hold on just a little longer. Perhaps he will make it in time…But perhaps not.**

It took me so long to make it to Camelot, and each moment I felt Arthur slip closer and closer to death. I do not know who he is, but I am certain that I was given this awful power to help him. Every time he came close to dying, I had to pull him back. I almost wasn't strong enough. Tonight I will tell him where to meet me. Tonight I will finally meet my reason for living. I only hope he is worth it.

**I waited for Merlin but he never came. One day, he stopped talking to me. I had to go to the execution of a warlock today. When our eyes met, I was sure I knew him, though I'd never seen him before. Like hundreds before, his magic could not save him from the axe of my father's executioner. If only my death could be as simple. I write this as my life's blood spills across the floor, and a gold dagger is sticking out of my chest. Long live Camelot, from their once, but not future king.**

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**Miko: **Let me know what you think about it. I think I may change the ending for the next one I do. Just to keep it different.


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